dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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