I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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