Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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