Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
