I accidentally had phone sex last night
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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