even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
