From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
