Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
