dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
