She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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