Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
