Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
