Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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