Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
