I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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