no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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