I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
