It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
