thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
