4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
