Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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