I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
