Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
