Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
