I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
