Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
