She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
and you fell through a lawn chair
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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