We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
