I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
