***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
