I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I think pants incapable of making pants work
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
