Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
