So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
