All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My vagina just recognized that song.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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