Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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