i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
