Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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