I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
