hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
