the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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