so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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