I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
