we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
