literally had 100 drinks last night.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
