Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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