i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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