If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so let's talk penis.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
