Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
