if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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