You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
